The Final Fantasy IX Tournament 2007
by Tom Jenkins
Summary: Welcome all, to the 2007, annual Final Fantasy Tournament. The tournament where we take the well known and the not so well known characters of FFIX and place them against each other for your entertainment. Second fight now up.
1. Round 1 Vivi VS Black Waltz

Though I wish it were, Final Fantasy isn't mine, so no suing me. Muahahaha!

The Final Fantasy IX Tournament 2007

Cue extremely dramatic music.

Ladies and Gentlemen, children who love fighting: We bring you here today to witness the one and only Final Fantasy IX Face Off Tournament of 2007. A competition where we take characters of your choice from FFIX and place them in duels against one another until the judges decide an ultimate winner. There will of course be violence and if we are lucky, blood splatter. The first fight shall be decided by our team here at PunchUp Productions, but afterwards, you, the public, shall decide who faces whom in the next match. So without further ado, let the first battle begin.

Judges: Me (Tom Jenkins), The Comic book Guy from The Simpsons, Chuck Norris, and Yoda.

Match: (Starting small) Vivi Junior VS Black Waltz 3

Ding, ding, ding.

Vivi stepped into the roaring arena, his small arms raised in the air, taking in the glory. Even the judges were proud to see such a small boy, still only a child, march into the death match. Especially Chuck Norris.

"Go on little kid. You can do it. You've just gotta believe, believe!" He shouted, a tear falling from his eye.

"Worst costume ever!" The Comic book Guy commented, pointing at Vivi Junior's rags.

The small wizard continued into the arena and began to flex his finger muscles for the fight. The entire crowd continued to roar in approval of the bravery of the little man.

"Thank you, thank you." He shouted in a small, high-pitched voice. Then, out of nowhere, a ball of flame struck him in the back of the head and knocked him face first into the ground. Everyone watching erupted into a long "Booo" as The Black Waltz 3 stepped into the arena twirling his staff around. Everyone was booing, except for Yoda.

"Oh, Triumphant, the force has been." He cheered, before receiving a roundhouse kick in the jaw from Chuck Norris.

"Are you ready?" Tom shouted, about to start the fight.

"Yes, I am." Vivi squeaked as cutely as he could.

"Bring it on dude!" Said The Black Waltz, smirking towards his opponent.

"Then, begin." Tom bellowed, firing a bullet into the air.

The Black Waltz began to circle Vivi, smiling as he did so, whilst the smaller black mage stood in the centre forming a small ball of ice energy in his hand.

"Blizzard!" He squealed, throwing a puny snowball at his enemies face.

"Gay!" The powerful mage exclaimed as he wiped the cold snow from his face onto the floor. Immediately afterwards, he leaned backwards with his arm and his staff and cast an incredibly powerful Blizzaga spell which struck Vivi and sent him flying into the side of the arena below where the crowd was sitting.

"Fucking hurt, that must." Yoda nodded.

"Shut up!" Chuck Norris ordered as he swung his foot around into the green bogey's face once again.

Vivi lay on the ground entrapped in a cube of ice. It seemed that The Black Waltz had already claimed victory as he danced around in fake slow motion making cheering noises with his own voice. Meanwhile, behind him, the hand of the frozen Vivi ignited into a small flame and slowly began to thaw himself out until finally he was back to normal once again, but slightly wet. Quietly, he snuck up behind the celebrating Black Waltz and booted him up the ass

"Haha. You think that you can freeze me? I am Vivi Junior, son of the almighty Vivi original, the one who..." His words were cut short as The Black Waltz turned around and slapped him across the face with the back of his hand, knocking Vivi back through the air and into the crowd.

"What were you saying?" The slapper asked triumphantly. Staring upwards to see if his opponent would emerge from the crowds.

"I was saying that…" Yet again he had no time to finish. The moment The Black Waltz saw him; he cast a Thundaga spell into the audience, frying over half of them into dust.

"Now that was just uncalled for." Tom muttered, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Worst sportsmanship ever!" Said The Comic book Guy as he flipped open his laptop. "And your attack should have been directed at just the opponent, not anybody else." As he raised his finger to point out something else, a bolt of electricity struck him and turned him, like the audience, into a pile of dust with two eyes on top.

"Yay!" Cheered the remaining hundreds in the crowd. Meanwhile Yoda and Chuck Norris each sat in their seat with foghorns and party hats celebrating. The pile of dust that was once The Comic book Guy slid away into the centre of the arena and began to mumble at The Black Waltz, who in return, stepped on the smush so that it would shut up.

"Horray!" Everyone began to shout. "Go Black Waltz. Go Black Waltz."

From the ashes of the dead audience, Vivi rose up, burning with the intense heat of a meteor spell.

"Would you look at that." Tom exclaimed, pointing at the infuriated black mage. "I can see something big happening here."

With extreme force, a large rock smashed through the steel roofing of the arena and came crashing down on top of The Black Waltz.

"Suck on that." Vivi shouted, pointing at the meteor and smiling. Beneath it, The Black Waltz's arm was showing.

"Could the match be over?" Chuck Norris asked, running over lifting up the dead arm. "1… 2… 3… It is over. Vivi wins!" He bellowed. In excitement, the remainder of the crowd stood up and began to cheer for Vivi who was now in the centre of the arena, dancing. Yoda, now joining Vivi in his dance took out two sparklers and began to shake them around.

"So Vivi, you won the match. How it does it feel?" Tom asked, kneeling down and shoving a microphone into the small mage's face.

"Oh, it feels great Tom. I always dreamt of getting past the first round in a Final Fantasy IX Tournament. I went to make that prize mine."

"Prize…? Yeah, right, a prize. Anyway, congratulations on your victory, and we'll see you in the next round." Tom said enthusiastically. "But that's all for today folks. Next match will be another round one match where you will decide the competitors. So tell us here at PunchUp Productions who you would like to see face who next. Goodbye."

Cue theme show tune…

_Back in the commentary box. _

Tom: Well, that was an interesting match now, wasn't it Chuck?

Chuck Norris :Yes it was Tom, who would have though that such a little guy could pack such a punch?

Tom: "Not me. What did you think Yoda?

Yoda: Only the true warrior deserved to win such a match. And that was not Vivi. Sucked, he totally did. I really think that The Black Waltz should have won that.

Tom: Really, yeah, that's good. What do you all think about what happened to The Comic book Guy then? Such a tragedy.

Chuck Norris: He had it coming. And he needed to do some weights too. On top of that, I never got to slap him with a tuna.

Tom: Such a shame. Well that is all we've got time for. Who should fight in the next match? What should happen to them? Who will the new judges be? You (The Public) must decide. Bye bye.

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	2. Round 2 Kuja VS Garland

Hello all. I'm Tom, and welcome to the second round of the annual Final Fantasy IX tournament 2007. Previously, we saw Vivi Jr completely demolish The Black Waltz. We also saw everyone's favourite Simpson's (The comic book guy) reduced to a pile of dust. Chuck Norris dealt out damage, and Yoda spoke with that weird voice he has. A fantastic fight, indeed it was.

Today, we have assembled a team of new judges who will be introducing themselves shortly. But first, the tournament has been organized. So here it is.

Vivi-------------- Win

Black Waltz----- Lose

Kuja -------------

Garland----------

Zidane-----------

Steiner-----------

Dagger/Garnet-

Queen Brahne-

More matches will me made, but we need the votes of you readers to create battles and choose the competitors. For now, the match featuring Kuja and Garland shall begin. Whoever wins shall go on to face Vivi in the next round.

Enough about that though. Today we have chosen our judges well, because we know that they will make the right choices. So without further ado, here they are.

The arena / Judge's table.

"Neo! From the Matrix." Tom announced, pointing at a man wearing a long black coat and a pair of glasses.

"Hi everyone. I am the one. I save computer programs from being deleted, and I also get to wear a lot of leather without looking gay." Neo began, waving at the audience with a serious face of no expression. "I am also blind, and am watching this fight using my goldo vision. Using it, I can see the codes of spiritual energy that flow through the Earth. I can also see through all women's clothes."

"That's great." Tom smiled, nodding at the first judge. "Also here, is Kratos, from God of War."

"Shut the fuck up all of you. Or you will all have your eyes ripped out from their sockets." He growled.

"Isn't that nice?" Tom asked cheerfully, quickly moving away from the man and whispering to himself…. Into the microphone. "That's a lot of hard talk coming from a man that paints himself red with lipstick."

"What the hell did you just say?" Kratos bellowed, riding up from his chair.

"Nothing Judge number two." Tom answered with a quick wink at everyone else. "Anyway, here is judge number three. The Terminator, from…. The Terminator."

"Bleep…. Malfunction." The robo-human said in a computerised voice, before blowing up into a pile of nuts and bolts, cables, and springs.

"Looks like judge number three is unavailable." Tom shouted out to the crowd, pointing at the heap of scrap. "Is there anyone else available for the position?"

"Oh, I am." Said a mysterious voice from behind them. From the stands, some random man stood up and pointed in astonishment.

"Oh my frikkin' God. It's FPS Doug."

From the shadows, a bald headed figure emerged with a sniper rifle in his hand. In a rapid movement, he raised it and shot the man who had shouted his name right through the skull.

"Boom! Headshot!" He shouted gleefully as the entire audience cheered for him.

"I guess that's cleared up then." Tom announced, making his way into the centre of the arena. "So now, it's time to meet our contestants. Introducing…. Kuja."

The whole room fell silent as a blue sparkle appeared in the floor at Tom's side. Slowly, it began to expand and form a perfect circle which then began to grow upwards into a column of energy covered with strange symbols. From inside it, the shadow of a man appeared, which then walked out of the glowing portal into the arena with his hands held high.

"Oh Gosh!" Snorted a nerd from the stands. "It is THE Kuja. In trance form. I so totally want to just fall at your feet sir." He said, wiping his nose with his collar as he spoke. Running down the stairway, he jumped into the arena and began to bow at the contestant's feet.

"Looks like you have a fan." Tom exclaimed, placing the microphone under Kuja's chin. "How do you feel about that? Feel like smiting him for us?"

"No, no." Kuja replied. "I like his style. He's perfect. You…" He said, extending his arm to the teenage boy. "Do you wish to fight with me against my opponent?"

"Are you cereal?" The nerd asked. "Seriously? Oh my… I would love to. Thank you tomsmiley18 for telling me about the greatness of this tournament on that forum."

"Good." Was Kuja's answer. "You will make a fine ally."

"Well, the rules have nothing against it. So I guess that's fine." Tom shrugged. "Now it's time to introduce our next competitor. He created a planet and even an entire race, and was then stopped by two boys with monkey tales. Prepare to welcome to the arena: Garland" He said to the gathering of people in the arena. But as he finished, all the lights went out in the room, leaving only one spotlight focused on the entrance. Though no one had seen him before, Garland now stood there with his sword drawn. Silently, he made his way over to Tom, Kuja and the Internet geek with a smile on his face.

"Now I shall redeem myself in the eyes of those puny humans." He muttered to himself.

"Do you mind putting the lights back on?" Tom grumbled in the darkness. "I think geeky here just popped a spot on me."

As the spotlight followed Garland he shook his head. And smirked as he did so.

"I'm afraid I can't do that." He began. "For you see, all attention must be on me for my moment of glory." He explained, raising the hilt of his blade to his lips. "So… did you ever hear the one about the fat policeman and the turd in the street…"

"Shut up!" Roared Kratos as he removed Neo's shoe and through it at the spotlight, clonking Garland on the head.

"That was The One's shoe." Neo grunted. "I can't let you treat them that way."

"Oh, what are you going to poofy." Kratos retorted. "Stand there while I kill you and explode? Or will you get your cane and smack me?" He mocked.

"Far worse." Neo smirked. "But I don't want to waste my time on you." He continued.

"Hey, that's enough." Tom shouted, trying to lift Garland back off the floor. "This is a fight between Kuja and Garland. Speaking of which, we should get started. Let the fight begin!" Was his order as he dropped Garland back onto his knees and ran back to the judge's panel.

Attack!" Kuja ordered, pushing his new accomplice forwards.

"But sir. I don't know any attacks. I haven't reached level seven yet." He whimpered. "Please forgive me."

"Forgive you?" Kuja shouted in anger. "You have wasted my time. Flare star." He said, conjuring up a glorious sum of energy which covered the geek and disintegrated him into the ground. By the time he had done so, Garland was back on his feet and ready for battle.

"Stop fooling around with that boy and let's get this started." He said, cracking the knuckles in his neck.

"Oh, he's going down." Neo nodded in disgust at Garland. "That man sickens me."

"Is that a biased vote there?" Tom asked, raising one eyebrow. "You're supposed to be a good judge you know."

"Yes but…" Neo started, before suddenly stopping. At the end of the table, FPS Doug was pointing the rifle at his head. "I'll be fair." He finished kindly before looking back at what was happening in the arena.

"Come on then old man." Kuja said, trying to provoke his opponent. "You know you'll lose so why bother?"

"I created you, you idiot." Garland replied, charging forwards and swinging his sword downwards from above his head. Seeing this, Kuja smoothly side stepped out of the way and sent a jet of flame into Garland's back. Already guessing he would use magic, Garland rapidly turned back around and deflected the attack with his blade.

"Nice." Kuja exclaimed. "I should have expected nothing less." He smirked, before raising his hands and forming a shield in front of him. "Protect."

"Pathetic." Was Garland's only response. The man then ran forwards and jumped into the air with his sword raised and clasped in both hands, preparing to bring the hilt crashing down upon Kuja.

"This is new." The Genome mused, standing behind his protection. With ease, Garland broke through the protect and slammed the butt of his blade into the head of his creation, knocking it down to the floor.

"Boom! Headshot!" FPS Doug shouted happily. His comment was greeted by a large roar from the audience.

"Is that all you ever say?" Neo complained, once again.

"I suggest you shut your face." Kratos interrupted, holding his chain blade up to Neo's neck.

"I'm tired of this." Neo grumbled.

"Bloody hell." Kuja screamed like a girl, then returning to his normal voice. "You're stronger."

"Of course I am, I did my training for this tournament." He told Kuja. Then, for no apparent reason, a screen come down from the ceiling and showed Garland in a grey tracksuit, drinking egg and milk and running through the streets of Alexandria. Also, for no apparent reason, "Eye of the tiger" was playing in the backround.

"I see." Kuja responded angrily, forming a ball of energy in his hands. "Well, you shall pay for nearly scratching my face" He ended as he launched the sphere at Garland's chest. With a swift slice of his sword, he swept the blade through the middle and dissolved it into the air before it could hit him. But then, catching him off guard, another hit him in the nose and sent him flying backwards into one of the arena walls.

"Boom! Headshot!" FPS Doug said once again. And just like before, the spectators cheered.

"Do you have a problem or something?" Kratos muttered, glaring at the man next to him in army camoflauge. "Say something new."

"Boom! Headwhack!" FPS Doug beamed. But this time, his comment was greeted by the sound of crickets outside. Even Kuja and Garland stopped fighting so that they could stare at FPS Doug and shake their heads. "What?" He asked.

"You stink!" Said an agitated voice from the stands. As if knowing exactly who it was, FPS Doug raised his rifle and fired at the one who had spoke, blowing his head off in a shower of blood.

"Boom! Headshot!" He mumbled quietly. Just then, the entire crowd became entertained once again and the fight continued.

Garland had stood back up once again and was now facing Kuja, who was waiting in the centre of the arena with what seemed to be a ball of ice in his hand.

"So, you plan on stopping me do you?" Garland spat. "Well, prepare to face my most powerful attack. Copyright Infringement!" He said, raising his voice noticeably. Taking out his sword, he threw it aside and put on a pair of boxing gloves and ran towards Kuja. Before he could react, Garland was swinging a slow-motion punch towards Kuja's face.

"Noooooooooo!" Kuja screamed in the best slow voice he could muster. The fist the struck his face and began to smash through his jaw, knocking his teeth out, and another mysterious object.

"Looks like Garland just hit something special." Tom observed, then turning to FPS Doug.

"Hi there." Doug replied. "Oh right…. Boom! Headshot!"

Kuja slowly collapsed to the ground and lay in a crumpled heap, groaning in pain.

"What was that thing that just flew out." Garland asked curiously, staring at Kuja's now hideous face.

"That was my plastic surgery." He muttered, barely audible. "How do you think I managed to stay so beautiful all that time?"

"I didn't create my most powerful Genome to become a fashion designer." Garland said, offering Kuja his hand. "Get up my son, I did not mean to hurt you or your looks. I will give you your face back…. I love you."

"I love you too dad." Kuja whimpered, a tear falling from his bruised eye. He accepted Garland's hand and stood to face him, before leaning forwards and hugging his opponent.

"That is so sweet." Neo said, trying to hold back tears. "It's for things like this I saved the world."

"I feel like something has woken up inside me." FPS Doug mumbled. "I no longer want to shoot random people's heads off. I want love, and butterflies. I like pink, and I feel like a princess."

"What the hell is this crappo?" Kratos said in shock. "I came here to see violence and death, not man love."

"He is right." Tom intervined, confirming what Kratos had said. "This is a tournament, and someone must win." He continued, nodding his head. Kratos on the other hand, smiled and leapt from his chair into the arena, his chain blades prepared.

"One of you is going to die." He bellowed, swinging his weapons around his head. "Or both. Yes…. Both of you will now face my wrath."

"I can't let you do that Kratos." FPS Doug said angrily, aiming his gun at the Greek's head and firing.

"No more violence." Neo shrieked as the sound of Doug's rifle rang through the arena. As fast as he could, he leaped into the air and kicked the gun from Doug's hands. But his attempt had ended in failure. The bullet had already struck Kratos in the back of the head.

"Boom! Headshot!" FPS Doug croaked, looking at his broken weapon on the floor. Meanwhile, as Kratos fell to the ground, his chain blades flew off his arms. One was headed towards Kuja and Garland, the other towards Neo. With extreme force, it sliced through The Matrix man's throat and removed his head.

"Boom! Headshot!" FPS Doug cried, trying to piece his sniper back together. But as he did so, the corpse of Neo fell on top of him and blew up in an explosion of light, taking the dead man and FPS Doug with it. All around them, the spectators were all cheering in approval of the violence occurring.

"How can this be?" Kuja screamed as the body of his father fell to the ground. Kratos' blade had struck Garland's head and had opened his skull right up. As Kuja fell to his knees in emotional pain, all witnesses could have sworn that they heard the words "Boom! Headshot!" in the wind outside.

"Kuja wins!" Tom announced after coming out from under the judge's table. "How do you feel?" He said, running over to Kuja and pressing the microphone into his face.

"I…. I won? I won?!" Kuja asked in shock, his pain suddenly disappearing. "Huzzah for me! Go the Kuja… Go the Kuja… Go the Kuja…"

Tom's Box office. 

Well, that is the second round over, with Kuja advancing ahead to face Vivi. Seeing as there are no judges left, I can't really converse with anyone, and Kuja is out getting pissed with Martinis. So…. I guess that's all for now. Remember, we need your votes for fights and who you want to win. Otherwise it will all be in the writers hands. And you don't want that.

Also, if anyone wishes to become a Final Fantasy IX Tournament 2007 judge, feel free to apply within a review. But only those who actually comment may become judges.

(Note: If you become a judge you will not die. But… you will be seriously degraded and will face pain. But… it's all in the name of comedy and violence.)

So until our next match (Zidane VS Steiner) enjoy yourself. Good luck with all your social problems, and a special thanks for reading. You may buy souvenirs on your way out. Donations are also accepted to upgrade the awesomeness of this Tournament.


End file.
